I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, why do cats have boxes?
Me: They like them. They feel comfortable with them.
Doodlebug: Why don’t we have boxes?
Me: You’ve never been interested.
Sweetie: We could get interested. How about getting us a bathroom box?
MoonCat: Is there a litterbox in the whole world big enough for a bulldog? Stick with the great outdoors.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Look at this mess!
Sweetie: Okay.
Doodlebug: I’m looking.
Me: This whole thing has gone cattywampus and I don’t know how to fix it.
Sweetie: Catty what?
Doodlebug: Wampus where?
Me: Messed up. Fouled up. Not right at all.
MoonCat: This catty didn’t do it and my wampus is just fine, thank you.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Maybe if I look at it from this angle, it will make sense.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, why did you all set that cake on fire?
Me: Birthday party.
Sweetie: So? Why be mean to a cake?
Me: We didn’t burn the cake. The candles are just a tradition. A celebration.
Sweetie: Like when you shoot fire into the air to blow up the sky?
Me: Well, yeah.
MoonCat: The humans are crazy. Hide the matches.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, turn the cold box off.
Sweetie: Yeah, enough is enough already.
Me: A/C’s not on.
Sweetie: Where’s the cold coming from?
Me: The outside.
Doodlebug: Does the sky have a great big cold box in it? Why didn’t it turn on during the hot days?
Me: This is that seasonal change that happens at the same time every year. The air will be cooler now for awhile.
MoonCat: I think it would be better if we had our own buttons to turn the cold off and on in the sky. What could possibly go wrong with that?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Sweetie, retract your nose. The budgies are settled down.
Sweetie: I was just checking to see what they are doing.
Me: Once the curtain is in place, no peeking. The light bothers them. Let them sleep.
MoonCat: So that’s what I’ve been needing. Lady Human, put in my order – one cat curtain, bulldog proof.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, Baby the Budgie is all proud of herself. She’s puffed her feathers out.
Me: Parakeets do that for different reasons.
Baby and Bud: They’re OUR feathers, so we do what we want!
MoonCat: Sounds puffed up to me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Ma’am, you’ve been on that little phone box a long time.
Sweetie: Lady Human, how come humans talk so much about other humans?
Me: I don’t know.
Doodlebug: Are other humans interesting?
Me: Not really that, but we do like to express our opinions.
Sweetie: Does it help to talk about humans? ‘Cuz it doesn’t help me to listen to it. Too many wordy words.
MoonCat: Mix it up, stir it real good, and out comes a yucky soup that even a bulldog won’t eat. You won’t catch me gossiping, except about bulldogges.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Stinky Air! Not my fault!
Sweetie: Well, this time anyway. What’s that smell, ma’am?
Me: We’ve had to have the yard sprayed for fleas. Some of the smell wafted in. I have to keep the budgies covered until it settles down.
Baby and Bud: ACCCKKK! We prefer our oxygen fresh. We will keep a nose watch.
Doodlebug: We don’t have fleas!
Me: No, but some local varmints do. Part of the price of living in this wide, wonderful world.
MoonCat: Wide, wonderful, stinky, varmint and flea-ridden world. Yes. Welcome.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“A large nose takes a lot of holding. If there’s a stink, get started early.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, those humans on the Big Picture Box are talking silly again. They said something was “out the wazoo”. Does that mean outside?
Me: In a way, yes.
Doodlebug: What’s a wazoo?
Me: Let me put it this way. Everyone has one.
MoonCat: Seems imminently fair to me.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Baby and Bud: Aaaccckkk! Human walking! Strange human walking through!
Sweetie: Yeah, but Lady Human let her in so it’s okay. Chill out, birdies.
MoonCat: Bet nobody else has watchbirds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Huuumaaaan!
Me: Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Sweetie: Look at the budgies’ house. All that cleaning you did. Where is it?
Doodlebug: They scattered seeds and shells all over the floors, theirs and ours.
Baby and Bud: Where were we supposed to scatter them?
MoonCat: I love practical minded birds.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Me: Okay, stand back a little. It’s budgie housecleaning day.
Sweetie: Can I help?
Me: Yes, by standing back.
Baby and Bud: Accckk! We pooped over there.
Me: Yes, I noticed.
Sweetie: How come the birds get to poop in their house, but we have to go outside?
Me: You can’t fly.
Doodlebug: No fair. MoonCat can’t fly and she gets to go in the house.
MoonCat: Excuse me, bulldogs. I have well-developed bathroom habits. Think about trying that.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: She’s plugged in again.
Doodlebug: Lady Human, what goes into your ears when you plug those things into your ears?
Sweetie: Yeah, we keep our ears open so they can, you know, be ears.
Me: Right now, it’s music.
Doodlebug: Ew! No! That human screechy stuff.
MoonCat: She didn’t have a recording of bulldog screechy stuff. She had to make do.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Buggdogges. What are you doing sitting out there, Lady Human? And what are we doing sitting here watching you?
Me: Tall Man asked me to watch the car while he’s working on something. He gave it a good cleaning and it has to dry out. That’s why its doors are open.
Doodlebug: It looks like a bird with four wings spread.
Sweetie: So you’re a guard of cars like we are of chickens.
Me: Chickens are more fun to watch.
Sweetie: Shouldn’t we have badges?
MoonCat: Where would we pin them?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
“Eventually, all leaves fade and fall.”
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: How did you make those eggs go flat, Lady Human?
Me: I cracked them open over a heated pan and fried them.
Sweetie: Mmmmm. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! And that flat stuff on the outside.
Me: Bread? You want an egg sandwich?
MoonCat: Does that question even need to be asked?
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges.
Sweetie: Lady Human, the rain! The rain!
Me: Yeah, it’s great. First rain in quite a while.
Sweetie: But my poor wet tootsies.
Me: They can dry just fine in the house. We need the water.
Sweetie: I have water in my bowl.
Me: And where did that come from?
Doodlebug: You turned on that long metal thing over the sink.
Me: And before that?
MoonCat: It’s a deep, dark secret that only the humans know…Oh, wait…
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Rights Reserved.
I am Doodlebug, King of the Olde English Bulldogges. Lady Human, what’s this mess?
Me: Oh, great! Some varmint has pulled a sack of bread into the yard.
Sweetie: Whoever did it has bad breath.
Me: More than likely a possum.
Sweetie: No! Not again.! Trespasser! You just wait til I track your grabby little feet.
Me: I guess the bread wasn’t that good. She wouldn’t have left it.
MoonCat: How dare anyone leave their rejected snacks in our yard! At least leave something we like.
©️ 2026. H.J. Hill. All Right Reserved.
